I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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