Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
