I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize