does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
