where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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