omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
