You were right. It hurts to walk today.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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