its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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