We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
