i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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