im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
My vagina just recognized that song.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize