i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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