His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
The air taste purple.
Randomize