She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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