I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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