I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize