remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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