I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
40s are totally the cure
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
