I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
