Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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