It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I pour the whiskey from now on
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize
