True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
