He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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