I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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