im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
