I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
