I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
