I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
