there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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