mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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