she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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