I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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