I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
