You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
