im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I should be sponsored by Trojan
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
