Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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