Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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