Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
