Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
why do cheetos always look like penises
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
