She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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