and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
