Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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