Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
