I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
