I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
