The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
