is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
