fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Randomize
