I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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