meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize