Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
