you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
