I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
