Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
