Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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