I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
