there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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