hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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