saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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