My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
i out mim tonsoeep
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