What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
