shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
