either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
