I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
