Can i not drive my cunt home
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
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