haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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