I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
