I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
