dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
